It weighs on my heart the why behind the action when I know the post-morning blues when I could describe down to the second my emotions, the remorse, the self-flagellation What was the gain? Momentary pleasure The headiness of dabbling in the forbidden the “throw caution to the wind” deception But instead: A night of harried dreams my brain a noisy train station fragments of conversations chattering incessantly the tossing and turning the acrid taste in my mouth represents the spiritual gluttony of unchecked desire of the demon who rears up and hisses “more…more….” And now…the morning after the longings for another chance the hope that the clock can be turned back that morning will bring some redemptive power to erase the night’s foul breath. And yet, the past is intertwined with the present I cannot disentangle the two like a wet dog giving her body a ferocious shaking And so I must accept the consequences and wait until my self-imposed penance completes and I can begin again. And yet is this my belief? what is grace that requires penance? Is the penance for the Deity or the disciple? If it is for the disciple, then perhaps it is its own created religion A formula designed for a self-made atonement. This, then is everything opposed to amazing grace it highlights the sinner and not the God who saves it deifies the person’s religious systems and like a whirlpool vortex sucks in all possible modes of being into the self in the center. Amazing grace is not a fluffy cloud of marshmallow promises, kitties, and pink bows But a mighty Being that demands justice and responds to prayers for mercy That surprises and astonishes that requires and asks. Amazing grace, for all of its lovely resonance but somewhat unpredictable in outcome unable to be manipulated but a dynamic concept understood through a life time of pain, suffering, sin, and longing. But that is what I wait for what I hope for that despite this morass of guilt self-recrimination despite my prior knowledge that I would be here today and still acted according to desire which is perhaps the worst of the two sins even so I wait to glimpse the amazing grace dependent on it scoffing at my own penance a stack of cards a mirage and phantom of promise The only way is to wait feeling my dependence feeling my vulnerability praying for mercy and accepting the absolution based on faith.