The sorrow of sin

It weighs on my heart
the why behind the action
when I know the post-morning blues
when I could describe down to the second
my emotions, the remorse, the self-flagellation
What was the gain?
Momentary pleasure
The headiness of dabbling in the forbidden
the “throw caution to the wind”  deception
But instead:
A night of harried dreams
my brain a noisy train station
fragments of conversations
chattering incessantly
the tossing and turning
the acrid taste in my mouth
represents the spiritual gluttony
of unchecked desire
of the demon who rears up
and hisses “more…more….”
And now…the morning after
the longings for another chance
the hope that the clock can be turned back
that morning will bring some redemptive power
to erase the night’s foul breath.
And yet, the past is intertwined with the present
I cannot disentangle the two
like a wet dog
giving her body a ferocious shaking
And so I must accept the consequences
and wait until my self-imposed penance completes
and I can begin again.
And yet is this my belief?
what is grace that requires penance?
Is the penance for the Deity or the disciple?
If it is for the disciple,
then perhaps it is its own created religion
A formula designed for a self-made atonement.
This, then is everything opposed to
amazing grace
it highlights the sinner
and not the God who saves
it deifies the person’s religious  systems
and like a whirlpool vortex
sucks in all possible modes of being
into the self in the center.
Amazing grace
is not a fluffy cloud
of marshmallow promises, kitties, and pink bows
But a mighty  Being
that demands justice
and responds to prayers for mercy
That surprises and astonishes
that requires and asks.
Amazing grace, for all of its
lovely resonance
but somewhat unpredictable in outcome
unable to be manipulated
but a dynamic concept
understood through a life time
of pain, suffering, sin, and longing.
But that is what I wait for
what I hope for
that despite this morass of guilt
despite my prior knowledge that I would be here today
and still acted according to desire
which is perhaps the worst of the two sins
even so
I wait
to glimpse the amazing grace
dependent on it
scoffing at my own penance
a stack of cards
a mirage and phantom of promise
The only way
is to wait
feeling my dependence
feeling my vulnerability
praying for mercy
and accepting the absolution
based on faith.

4 thoughts on “The sorrow of sin

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